A story about assumptions, burnout, and the quiet cost of misperception
By Naazi Morad
She sat on the deck with a cup of tea, eyes closed, letting the music drift through her like incense. It was an old song, one her mother used to hum while folding laundry, the kind that carried memory more than melody. Her partner watched from the kitchen window, heart tightening. Why that song? Why now? The mind began its spiral. He hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes. The way she skipped meals. The silence wasn’t rejection, it was burnout. But in the absence of communication, assumption became narrative. He thought she was drifting away. She thought she was barely holding on.
This is how emotional misattunement begins—not with betrayal, but with exhaustion.
Why We Assume the Worst
In relationships, the brain often defaults to catastrophizing. It’s a survival mechanism rooted in attachment theory and cognitive distortions. When someone withdraws, we interpret it through our own fears:
- “She’s distant” becomes “She’s hiding something.”
- “He’s quiet” becomes “He’s in love with someone else.”
But what if silence is just the nervous system saying, I’m overwhelmed?
🎧 Music Isn’t a Message, It’s a Memory
She wasn’t serenading another lover. She was grieving. That song from Santa Barbara reminded her of her mother’s resilience. The qawwali her father loved reminded her of faith. Nostalgia is not infidelity, it’s emotional regulation. Yet in many homes, music becomes a battleground of suspicion.
👩👧 Teenagers and the Myth of Rudeness
At 14, her daughter began spending hours alone in her room. She stopped tagging along to the mall. The mother worried: Is she depressed? Is she hiding something?
But the truth was simpler. The teen was learning autonomy. Her silence wasn’t rebellion—it was identity formation. Asking for space isn’t rude. It’s developmentally appropriate. But when parents interpret solitude as secrecy, they risk damaging trust.
Burnout Mimics Emotional Unavailability
When someone is emotionally depleted, they may:
- Avoid conversation
- Retreat into solitude
- Listen to music from their childhood
- Skip meals or social events
These are not signs of betrayal. They are signs of nervous system overload. Yet without emotional literacy, we misread them—and the misreading becomes a wedge.
💬 Healing Begins with Curiosity, Not Accusation
Instead of “Why are you distant?” try:
- “How are you feeling lately?”
- “I noticed you’ve been quiet—do you need rest or connection?”
- “Can I sit with you, even in silence?”
This is nonviolent communication. This is trauma-informed empathy. This is how we prevent assumptions from becoming depression.
