By Naazi Morad
By: A Mother Who Stayed, Even When Unseen
There’s a particular ache that parents carry, one that does not stem from conflict or rebellion, but from exclusion. Not of physical presence, but of emotional memory. It appears quietly: a celebratory post, a heartfelt message, a digital gesture… meant for someone else.
When our children write someone else into their emotional history, their “since birth” gratitude, and consciously hide it from us, we are not just erased from a screen. We are erased from a story we helped build with late nights, quiet tears, and unwavering labour
Psychological Reframing: Attachment vs. Access
Developmental psychology reminds us that early attachment is built not only on emotional availability but also on perceived presence. While we provide materially and emotionally, our children may form strong symbolic bonds with figures they associate with leisure, play, or warmth, even if that warmth was circumstantial.
This doesn’t invalidate the depth of the primary caregiver’s love; instead, it points to how emotional narratives are often constructed through contrast. The person who bore the weight of responsibility can become, paradoxically, less visible in memory.
Recognition Trauma: When Validation Goes Elsewhere
What many parents experience is recognition trauma, the pain of being emotionally bypassed in favor of someone perceived as “nicer” or “more present,” even if circumstantially so. It’s not jealousy. Its heartbreak wrapped in quiet disbelief.
Often, these gestures are not malicious. They are immature ways of expressing conflict, guilt, or longing. But that doesn’t soften the sting when love appears misattributed.
To the Parent Who Feels Edited Out
You are not erased; you are the ink. The story your child tells may change, stumble, even forget. But the deep nervous system of their safety, identity, and emotional template was built by you.
You are the one who stayed. You are the one who shifted finances to provide, who worked long hours without fanfare, who absorbed emotional spills without spilling over.
You are the sanctuary, even if your child visits other temples of praise.
A Gentle Invitation to Reclaim Your Narrative
Rather than confront, consider crafting your own quiet truth. A note to yourself. A ritual. A metaphor that re-roots you. Healing often begins not with being recognized by others, but with honoring ourselves deeply, intentionally, and without apology.
Unseen in the Spotlight: When Maternal Sacrifice Goes Unmentioned
Part II in the Silent Parent Series
There’s a peculiar kind of grief that arises when public gratitude is given lavishly—to relatives, teachers, or family friends, yet the mother who laboured in silence receives no mention.
Not on birthdays. Not on Mother’s Day. Not even in passing.
And when that omission is deliberate, when the gesture is not only given to someone else but hidden from you, it begins to feel less like forgetfulness and more like emotional exile.
Psychodynamic Insight: The Desire to Differentiate
Psychology tells us that as children grow into adulthood, they often seek individuation, a separation from their origins to create new emotional landscapes. Sometimes this involves idealizing others, especially those perceived as non-authoritarian or indulgent. But individuation should not require amputation of emotional truth. What’s painful is not that your child honors someone else, but that they feel the need to obscure it from you, suggesting awareness that the praise may wound, yet proceeding, nonetheless. That quiet betrayal carries layers: guilt, avoidance, unresolved tension.
Emotional Labour vs. Emotional Visibility
In families, the parent who provides the most emotional labour often becomes the most emotionally invisible. It’s a paradox noted in feminist and psychological studies: the more you do, the less you’re seen. Because your labor becomes baseline, expected, and eventually, unseen.
But let this be a reframe: You were not forgotten. You were so foundational that they no longer saw the floor beneath their feet.
A Healing Ritual for Mothers Who Feel Erased
If you’re navigating this grief, here’s a gentle practice:
1. Write the Affection You Never Received: Draft the message you longed to hear from your child, your partner, your sister. Write it in their tone, as if you were gifting it to yourself. Allow the validation to exist.
2. Create a Symbol of Your Presence: A candle, a photo, a flower placed on your work desk. Let it remind you daily: I was here. I gave. I mattered.
3. Share Your Truth Creatively: Whether through blogging, poetry, or quiet journaling, speak your narrative. Not in retaliation but in reclamation
Love you first!
