You say you love them. But do you love them, or do you love who you want them to become?
By Naazi Morad | Wellness Within Therapy
Have you ever wondered why two people who once couldn’t imagine life without each other eventually become strangers living under the same roof? How does a relationship that began with laughter, affection, dreams, and promises slowly become a battlefield of arguments, resentment, silence, and emotional distance? We often say, “We fell out of love.” But have we ever stopped to question whether love actually disappeared, or whether our behaviour slowly destroyed the very thing we were trying to protect?
One of the silent killers of relationships is the POWER STRUGGLE. It begins when love becomes less about understanding another human being and more about controlling them. You want them to speak differently, think differently, dress differently, respond differently, and behave according to your expectations. You want them to understand you, but how willing are you to understand them? You demand respect, yet do you offer the same respect when they disagree with you? Somewhere along the way, the relationship stops being about two people building a life together and becomes a contest over who must surrender first. And when love becomes a competition, somebody always ends up losing something precious: their voice, their freedom, their peace, or their sense of self.
BUT HERE IS THE QUESTION WE RARELY ASK OURSELVES: WHY DO YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE PERSON YOU CLAIM TO LOVE?
Nobody enters this world perfect. We all carry imperfections, insecurities, childhood experiences, emotional wounds, and beliefs shaped by the lives we have lived. Yet we enter relationships expecting another human being to fit neatly into the picture we have created in our minds. We want acceptance for our own shortcomings while finding it difficult to tolerate theirs. We ask our partners to be patient with our moods, understand our fears, and forgive our mistakes, but when they display the very imperfections we struggle to face in ourselves, we become critical, controlling, and demanding. Is that love, or is it an expectation that another person must become everything you need while you remain unwilling to examine who you are?
Perhaps the person you are constantly trying to change is revealing something you have not yet confronted within yourself. Sometimes, what irritates us in another person touches an insecurity we have never acknowledged. Sometimes, our need to have the final say comes from a fear of feeling powerless. Sometimes, our criticism becomes a convenient distraction from our own shortcomings. We point fingers because looking inward requires courage. It asks us to question our beliefs, examine our reactions, and accept that we may be contributing to the very unhappiness we blame on someone else. This does not mean that every complaint is projection or that every relationship problem is shared equally. It means that before you make another person the entire problem, you owe yourself the honesty of asking: WHAT IS MY PART IN THIS?
And then there is control, often disguised as concern, protection, leadership, or simply wanting what is best for the person you love. But love cannot flourish where one person must constantly prove their worth, justify their choices, or seek permission to be themselves. There is a profound difference between expressing a need and imposing a demand; between offering guidance and controlling a decision; between wanting to be heard and insisting on being obeyed. LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE THE ERASURE OF ANOTHER PERSON’S IDENTITY. You can disagree without degrading. You can feel angry without intimidating. You can hold strong opinions without making another person feel small. And you can love someone deeply without believing you have the right to control them.
So, let us return to the question that matters most: HOW DOES LOVE BREAK? Think about it. Does love simply wake up one morning and decide to leave? Or does something happen, little by little, that changes how two people feel in each other’s presence? Perhaps it is the repeated criticism that makes someone question their worth. Perhaps it is the humiliation that makes affection feel unsafe. Perhaps it is the broken promises, the dismissive words, the constant need to win, or the silence that follows every attempt to be heard. Perhaps it is the moment someone realises they can no longer be themselves without risking another argument. One incident may cause deep harm, while repeated patterns can gradually erode trust, closeness, and emotional safety. LOVE MAY NOT BE WHAT BREAKS FIRST. SOMETIMES, IT IS TRUST. SOMETIMES, IT IS SAFETY. SOMETIMES, IT IS THE BELIEF THAT YOU ARE LOVED FOR WHO YOU ARE. And once those foundations begin to crumble, even the words “I love you” can start to feel painfully empty.
Here is something worth thinking about: you cannot demand that someone feel close to you while repeatedly behaving in ways that push them away. You cannot use anger to silence someone and then complain that they no longer communicate. You cannot control their every move and then wonder why the relationship feels lifeless. You cannot repeatedly wound someone’s heart and expect an apology to erase the experience. Love is not sustained by promises alone. It is sustained by the everyday choices we make: how we speak, how we listen, how we handle disappointment, how we respect boundaries, and how we take responsibility when we cause harm. THE PERSON YOU LOVE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LOSE THEMSELVES SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL IN CONTROL.
And perhaps the most uncomfortable question of all is this: are you fighting to save your relationship, or are you fighting to remain right? Are you trying to understand your partner, or are you trying to win? Are you asking for change because something genuinely needs to improve, or because you struggle to accept that another person has thoughts, feelings, and choices of their own? There is a difference between asking someone to stop hurting you and demanding that they become the person you imagined. Healthy love allows growth without domination, accountability without humiliation, and differences without a battle for power. It does not mean accepting abuse, excusing harmful behaviour, or sacrificing your wellbeing to keep a relationship alive. ACCEPTANCE IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF BOUNDARIES. LOVE IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY.
Perhaps it is time to stop asking, “Why has my partner changed?” and begin asking, “What has happened between us, and what am I contributing to it?” Perhaps it is time to look beyond the argument and discover what lies beneath it: the fear, the insecurity, the unmet need, the belief that love must look a certain way, or the wound that keeps being reopened. Because sometimes, the real work in a relationship does not begin when you finally get your partner to listen. It begins when you become willing to listen to yourself.
BEFORE YOU GIVE UP ON LOVE, ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION:
If the person you love never became exactly who you wanted them to be, would you still know how to love them respectfully?
Sit with that question. Your answer may reveal more about your relationship than another hundred arguments ever could.
❤️ LET’S WORK ON WHAT LIES BENEATH THE SURFACE
At Wellness Within Therapy, we provide a supportive, non-judgmental space to explore relationship patterns, communication difficulties, emotional wounds, boundaries, and the struggles that can leave couples feeling disconnected. Whether you are experiencing recurring conflict, a loss of trust, emotional distance, or uncertainty about the way forward, you do not have to navigate these questions alone.
Sometimes, the first step towards a healthier relationship is not changing your partner. It is understanding yourself, your patterns, and the choices you make when emotions run high.
You deserve relationships built on respect, emotional safety, and genuine understanding.
📍 Wellness Within Therapy | Northcliff, Johannesburg
💻 In-person and online sessions available.
📱 WhatsApp: 084 397 2238
🌐 Website: wellnesswithintherapy.co.za
Book a session with Naazi Morad at Wellness Within Therapy.
Because understanding yourself may change more than you ever expected.
